


Purpose

by Lynette_TheMadScientist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Christian Theology, Gen, Guilt, Suffering, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:36:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29553639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynette_TheMadScientist/pseuds/Lynette_TheMadScientist
Summary: Gadreel's thoughts while imprisoned in Heaven. Includes headcanon that God in SPN is a benevolent God and not Ch/ck.Originally written: April 15th 2018
Kudos: 3





	Purpose

The cell was dank. Not that there was any rain in Heaven. But dampness and mold still persisted in the dungeon. Perhaps purposefully so.

Gadreel sat limply against the back of the cell. His gratefulness for being passed over for torture today was tainted by the knowledge that his friend was suffering. Thaddeus had apparently grown bored of him lately and opted to punish Abner instead.

Gadreel had nothing to do but to stare into nothingness while he awaited the return of his friend. The words of comfort that he would offer to Abner upon his return had long been memorized by now. He had nothing to think about. Only his mistakes. His worthlessness. His despair.

The charming words of Lucifer hummed in his head. How could he have been so stupid? All the agony of humanity was his fault. And he heard them. Everyday. All across the globe humans begged and prayed for deliverance, for help. There was a reason the dungeon of Heaven was placed close to Earth. The prayers and longings and agony of all of humanity reached the angels here. And the imprisoned angels could do nothing to help. For centuries, Gadreel slammed his head against the walls of the cell trying to silence humanity’s pain. But now he considered it a just punishment. Listening impotently to the cries of humanity. It was all his fault after all. The waves of agony rolled through his head constantly. Each cry for help a condemnation for his sin. He could think of nothing but how purposeless he was now. How he once had a purpose, and how he failed. How the responsibility of every angel was to guard humanity. And now he was the reason they had to be guarded at all. Because of him, the humans knew evil. And they used it on each other. And he could do nothing. Nothing would undo his mistake. Nothing would redeem him. Even if he could respond to the cries, he could never cleanse all humanity of the pain he gave entry to. He was worthless. He deserved to be here. He deserved to face the unfettered agony of Earth. The agony he was responsible for.

He remembered watching as Adam and Eve bit into the fruit. The look on their faces as they realized what they’d done. The distance from God that they suddenly felt. The cold separation. The shame.

He remembered the imprisonment. He didn’t bother hiding. No one can hide from God. But it wasn’t God who came to him. Why would He? Surely He was utterly disappointed in the stupidity of His son. No, Raphael came instead. Gadreel didn’t even bother to ask where Father was. He already knew he could never see him again. He’d felt the distance. The same sort of distance Adam and Eve and all their children would surely feel. It felt like being lost. Like knowing that there must be something you’re supposed to do but not knowing what it is. Before his sin he was sure in himself and his purpose. He was sure of the presence and the love of his Father. But after his fall, he felt none of these things. Only empty vases inside himself desiring to be full. Vases with labels but without contents. What could he do? What should he do? Where was Father? Did He even love him anymore? Of course not. Who could love the child responsible for tainting his Father’s most precious and fragile creation? No. He was worthless now. He had expected Raphael to execute him. Instead he locked him away. No explanation. None was needed. Gadreel knew his sin. And as the population of humans grew on Earth, so did his despair.

He wondered if his Father even remembered he was here.

Gadreel had long since given up on hope, on his thoughts that maybe someday he would be set free, on his wishes to see his Father again so that he might fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness. Such thoughts only caused him more pain. After the first millennium of his imprisonment, he considered praying to God, but he had no words. What would he say? I’m sorry? Such a small gesture for such a greivous crime would be an insult. He remembered the last time he saw his Father’s face, looking at him with pride and telling him what his mission would be on Earth. He couldn’t bear to imagine the look of disappointment that would surely meet him if he ever faced his Father again.

Hope was a curse here. It had been centuries since hope crossed Gadreel’s mind. He couldn’t kill it though. Try as he might. He couldn’t eradicate the tiny flicker of hope in the recesses of his heart. Perhaps it was the inspiration of the constant prayers in his ears. If beings so frail and damaged as humans could cry out in desperation and hope then perhaps…no. He couldn’t kill his hope but he could stifle it. Bury it so deeply in his mind that it would never reach his thoughts. Never cause him to confront the ache of longing. Never. He couldn’t. His strength was only so much.

Tears streamed down his face again. Over and over again he wept bitterly in his cell. There was no way to know how many times he’d sobbed from day to day. There was nothing to tell him the speed with which days passed. Only years. Every year on the day of each imprisoned angel’s creation a clerk would come down and announce their age.

Gadreel curled into himself in the corner of his cell. As if cowering could protect him from his guilt.


End file.
